Short Funny Quotes

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I can’t even get three weeks off to have cosmetic surgery.

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I can’t understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.- George Burns

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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

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I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I’d rather dance with the cows till you come home.

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I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.

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I didn’t know he was dead; I thought he was British.- Woody Allen

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I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

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I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.- Bob Hope

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I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.- Jack Benny

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I don’t exaggerate. I just remember big.- Chi Chi Rodriguez

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I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.- Groucho Marx

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I don’t like spinach, and I’m glad I don’t, because if I liked it I’d eat it, and I just hate it.- Clarence Darrow

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I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.

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I don’t plan to grow old gracefully; I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.- Rita Rudner

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I don’t think I’ll get married again. I’ll just find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.- Lewis Grizzard

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I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

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I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

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I feel like Adam when he said to Eve, `Back up, I don’t know how big this gets`

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I figured out Karl Rove’s political strategy make gas so expensive, no Democrats can afford to go to the polls.- Senator John Kerry

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I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.