Simple Funny Quotes

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I guess I don’t mind so much being old, as I mind being fat and old.- Peter Gabriel

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I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.- Tommy Cooper

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I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology… the study of milkmen.

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I handed in a script last year and the studio didn’t change one word.

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I hate it when people don’t remember my name. It means I have to try to think of it myself.- John Alejandro King

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I have a love interest in every one of my films – a gun.

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I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time.

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I have done my fiddling so long under Vesuvius that I have almost forgotten to play, and can only wait for the eruption and think it long of coming. Literally no man has more wholly outlived life than I. And still it?s good fun.’ Robert Louis Stevenson

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I have never been hurt by what I have not said.

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I have never been in a situation where having money made it worse.

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I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.- Proverb

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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.

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I just thought of something funny’your mother.- Cheech Marin

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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

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I like children – fried.

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I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

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I like marriage. The idea.

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I like talking to a brick wall, it’s the only thing in the world that never contradicts me.

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I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.